Manifesting Boundaries for my 41st Year
Today is my 41st birthday.
The best thing so far has been the utter silence of the day.
I woke up at 8 am, feeling more refreshed than I have in weeks, thanks to a full night's sleep. I had a nice breakfast of honey cardamom granola and apples with Greek yogurt. I checked out several books from the library, two of which I've already cracked the covers. I did some Qi Gong. I feel refreshingly, life-savingly, undrained and non-overwhelmed by my day.
But my thumb joint hurts and I had nightmares about cutting the skin off of my ankles.
Needless to say, things bubble beneath my surface.
First and foremost, I'm overwhelmed to think that I have to go back to work tomorrow, dreading the cannibalism it provokes - knowing I will give myself so wholly to my job, despite the fact it is only providing temporary asylum in return. My job does nothing to alleviate deep fears I have about surviving and thriving in my golden years, or even fiscally surviving any minor health catastrophe.
My job is rewarding and I am fortunate to work in a lovely space, surrounded by kind and hard-working people. But my job doesn't provide me with much agency, nor does it pay me all that much. I can't help but feel like it isn't worth the sacrifice I'm physically and spiritually experiencing - one in which I get home, expend the last of my precious energy towards necessary caretaking, and then pass out - forced to cycle through it endlessly.
It's not what I pictured for myself.
I know I should feel grateful for this current stability, and I am. There truly are many hours in the day where I enjoy the intellectual challenge of my job, the camaraderie of teamwork, the knowledge that our work manifests as joy in the world.
But. Is this it?
I met a woman recently who inspired me for two reasons: one, she had weaned off of shampoo and conditioner completely, and as a result had the softest hair imaginable. She assured me it was possible, and I resolve to take this on (as soon as I drain my current supply).
But she also talked about her own ritual of selecting a word and keeping it as a mantra for her year, as her personal take on a new year's resolution. "Boundaries," she said. "That's been my word this year."
I realize and embrace today that BOUNDARIES is a word I need to steer me out of this morass.
Boundaries are the ability to say no when you need to, recognizing that you cannot manifest good things for others if you cannot even give them to yourself. I am starved for giving myself good things, and I am sure it is a deeper, root cause of my general anxiety and discontent.
Without having ever established boundaries, I have found myself in a life that has more of less happened to me:
I realized that in addition to committing to better boundary-making in my coming year, I need to surround myself with community. People who are on my wave-length, so to speak, rather than just people who happen to be around.
I think my soul is aching to connect with others, and to be inspired by them.
I think you have to go looking for such tribes, rather than wait for them to come to you.
I know I need to manage my energy better. I believe that step one is to commit to boundaries, to help me limit 'wasted' energy. This might look like many things which are deeply uncomfortable for me, due to decades of learned behaviors:
Resources
https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/
http://somaspace.us/
The best thing so far has been the utter silence of the day.
I woke up at 8 am, feeling more refreshed than I have in weeks, thanks to a full night's sleep. I had a nice breakfast of honey cardamom granola and apples with Greek yogurt. I checked out several books from the library, two of which I've already cracked the covers. I did some Qi Gong. I feel refreshingly, life-savingly, undrained and non-overwhelmed by my day.
But my thumb joint hurts and I had nightmares about cutting the skin off of my ankles.
Needless to say, things bubble beneath my surface.
First and foremost, I'm overwhelmed to think that I have to go back to work tomorrow, dreading the cannibalism it provokes - knowing I will give myself so wholly to my job, despite the fact it is only providing temporary asylum in return. My job does nothing to alleviate deep fears I have about surviving and thriving in my golden years, or even fiscally surviving any minor health catastrophe.
My job is rewarding and I am fortunate to work in a lovely space, surrounded by kind and hard-working people. But my job doesn't provide me with much agency, nor does it pay me all that much. I can't help but feel like it isn't worth the sacrifice I'm physically and spiritually experiencing - one in which I get home, expend the last of my precious energy towards necessary caretaking, and then pass out - forced to cycle through it endlessly.
It's not what I pictured for myself.
I know I should feel grateful for this current stability, and I am. There truly are many hours in the day where I enjoy the intellectual challenge of my job, the camaraderie of teamwork, the knowledge that our work manifests as joy in the world.
But. Is this it?
I met a woman recently who inspired me for two reasons: one, she had weaned off of shampoo and conditioner completely, and as a result had the softest hair imaginable. She assured me it was possible, and I resolve to take this on (as soon as I drain my current supply).
But she also talked about her own ritual of selecting a word and keeping it as a mantra for her year, as her personal take on a new year's resolution. "Boundaries," she said. "That's been my word this year."
I realize and embrace today that BOUNDARIES is a word I need to steer me out of this morass.
Boundaries are the ability to say no when you need to, recognizing that you cannot manifest good things for others if you cannot even give them to yourself. I am starved for giving myself good things, and I am sure it is a deeper, root cause of my general anxiety and discontent.
Without having ever established boundaries, I have found myself in a life that has more of less happened to me:
- I work in an office for an arbitrary number of hours per week, in physical discomfort for most of that time, and emotionally disconnected from its larger mission
- I have a partner who, although a good person, cannot express physical desire or sexuality; particularly challenging for someone physical and carnal like myself. Like most men, he has tremendous difficulty with emotional intimacy, and is caught in many toxic male habits (ex. devotion to male canons of higher academia) that make it easier to ridicule than to allow for any vulnerability or 'gray' zones.
- I have a circle of friends but I would not say m/any of them know me intimately - good for the soul, and yet not soul-nourishing
- I've resisted the institutions of religion with such rage for so many decades now that I've confused it with spirituality. Spirituality was once very important to me, a sacred refuge that I always felt I had to hide away, lest I be mocked for it. But I let that flame dwindle out of shame, out of caring too much about the passing judgement of others, out of deeply entrenched patriarchal instincts to shame, ridicule, diminish and destroy a deeply empowering tool to support my journey as a woman.
- I live in a lovely home for which I am grateful, but it comes at great financial cost. Beyond making me 'house poor' and in considerable personal debt as a result, I have little in the way of savings. I cannot afford the expenses of travel, which drove me forward as a younger woman.
- I don't write or make art with much consistency - feeling that while they are both vital to me, they are lumps of clay waiting for better, more masterful hands to come along and sculpt them. I never feel like I've done enough or done it right, which means ultimately art-making can be a cruel means for my insecurities to gleefully manifest, punishing me for never being good or enough.
- I make time for people in my personal life who do not return the favor. This is, for most people, just because life is mostly unmanageable for everyone, and sometimes friendships organically settle into sporadic catch-ups. That is fine but it's not what I'm alluding to. I just have to realize that I'm not obliged to be everyone's friend, or that my own blind loyalty is not a mark of honor if it is extended to include people who have actively made me feel small, judged, and guilty. All I can do is wish for them to be happy and healthy in their own constellation, while I push them away - as gently as I can.
- I need to say no to doing everything my creativity finds interesting. For better or worse, I do think I have an aptitude to pick things up very quickly and do most of them reasonably well. But I overwhelm myself with an impossible wish list of "Want to do's" versus "What I can actually get done."
- Not surprisingly, I am an angry person. I am quick to get angry, and sometimes this is great - my warrior fire, coming out to protect me. But sometimes it is not necessary, and the result of all the above factors accumulating and creating toxic little pools in my universe, and feeling powerless to do anything about them.
I realized that in addition to committing to better boundary-making in my coming year, I need to surround myself with community. People who are on my wave-length, so to speak, rather than just people who happen to be around.
I think my soul is aching to connect with others, and to be inspired by them.
I think you have to go looking for such tribes, rather than wait for them to come to you.
I know I need to manage my energy better. I believe that step one is to commit to boundaries, to help me limit 'wasted' energy. This might look like many things which are deeply uncomfortable for me, due to decades of learned behaviors:
- Giving less of myself to my job. Not going above and beyond. Not working more than 35 hours a week, which is legally what I am supposed to be working! I work a full 40 hours because I do not take any breaks or a full lunch break. I am not paid more as a result. I only set superhuman standards that are unfair to me, ultimately, communicating that I am willing to do more with less.
- Limit my creative endeavors. Pick one or two, three max., and devote yourself to them for six months at a time. Re-assess. See that the world doesn't fall apart, and perhaps I get more satisfaction, develop more kindness towards myself from regular and focused practice.
- Expect quality time with people, rather than quantity. I don't do well in group situations because I am more interested in deep connections one-on-one. This is just my truth and I should not feel guilty about it.
- Protect yourself as a highly sensitive person. Step back from the energy vampires. Connect with resources in books or online that can help you navigate this, and avoid feeling like the perpetual victim of other people's energies.
- Seek out real people who share my values, and with whom I may even feel safe sharing the hidden aspects of myself.
- Treat your body like treasure. Lacking a lover's touch may be hard, to the point of unbearable, but it doesn't mean it is unattractive or worthless. I have every right to take pleasure in my body in ways that don't harm myself or others. I should not be made to feel ashamed of being a sexual person. I should not be shamed into thinking that I don't deserve and should not expect sex just because I am in my 40's.
- learned insecurities which lead to external people-pleasing and internal criticism
- fears of a lack in safety / security
- learned shame which prevents me from connecting to lifestyles and resources which resonate with me and could truly help
- eager self-sacrifice & self-abuse leading to unhealthy relationships in personal & professional life
Resources
https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/
http://somaspace.us/
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